I had spent majority of time for my undergrad commuting from the Westmont Train Station to Union Station. The local BNSF Train lines haven’t changed their style since the 70’s. With double decker seating it allows passengers to have private seating and offer a unique view from the windows. From there I walked over the bridge on Jackson and 7 blocks east toward the lake arriving at University campus. As the year went on daylight became more scarce. I found myself seeing the sunrise and sunset when I had evening classes in the lincoln park campus. My commutes were just dark.

As the days began to blend into one another, I would start to notice things about myself that I hadn’t realized before. For example my breathing would drastically increase in larger crowds, I would be winded in a flight of stairs, my legs would shake if I was two feet too close to the edge of the platform, I became hyper focused on my destination rather than my surroundings, I once walked 4 blocks home not realizing that my roommate was right behind me calling my name. I tuned out of reality while commuting. I would spend that time listening to music, podcasts, audiobooks. Mindlessly scrolling on twitter to come up with something funny from the day.

I would eventually scroll on dating apps to fill my free time. I grew bored of my own occupation as an undergrad student worker. Not actually caring about who I spoke to but whether I could spend random quality time with a stranger. I wanted a change from the tasking life I longed for. I found myself commuting not back home but to a date after my day from work or class. I had exhausted myself physically and mentally but had emotion to spare.

I didn’t find myself on the scene as one would mind think. Instead it would be visiting friends apartment, asking a date to meet at restaurant, looking for late night encounters while cramming for my finals. There would be days where I would not step a foot outside. After 8 hrs I crawl out from under the rock of my garden level apartment too late and try to make up for it by walking the block at 11pm or asking my roommate if they wanted pizza.

I would crash on couches from time to time or harden the tough winters at 10pm train rides back home in sub zero weather. I was methodical with my routine, having back-up train routes and optional bike and bus routes. I even would call my folks if I was stranded late at night. Despite this I still found it lonesome. I hadn’t had the chance to talk with anyone during these hours. Majority of my day was taken up by commuting or sitting in a uni building.

As the world shut down, I went back home to my parents in the suburbs. I felt trapped in this same box I had been in when in my apartment. It dawned upon me that I actually never left that box in my childhood home to begin with, I was carrying it with me this whole time. Every commute, 5 times a week, twice a day, for 36 months. I realized I was miserable being myself. I learned a tool that allowed me to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. I took 1 minute to breath take a photo of my view. when I felt the most out of touch. I was able to see what was actually in front of my and found some gratitude. After doing this my movement changed, my mood had changed. I began to see what my commute looked like and I began to see what I looked like. I saw beautiful complicated life that deserved to be recognized and taken care of.